Ok, I had way too much coke tonight so here I write in the middle of the night hoping that I will get sleepy and be able to sleep soon without feeling like I have millions of things I have to think about right then and there. I thought I would write a bit about my children and the way we raised them...well at least with Daniel, Tori is still a work in progress.Sara has posted a very interesting, intelligent and thought provoking article on childrearing on her blog. It pertained to the concept and parenting style known as "Baby Training." It's basic concepts are that a child is just another part of your functioning lifestyle and they had just better get used to it and fit in. It includes the idea of "self soothing" meaning a child shouldn't have to be coddled but that it should take care of itself when it goes to sleep. Sounds harsh you might say? I have just put it into laymans terms. I sound biased against it don't I? Well yes of course I am but I feel that I as a mother have a right to be. Also because in the last year and a half I have found out that I had done that with Daniel as he was growing up. Now let me tell you how I came to this conclusion.
When we left for Israel,Daniel was about seven and a half months old. He was still breastfed and so of course to me there wasn't anything at that time that I needed to know. I say that not because I was arrogant and that I knew everything but it is quite the opposite. I was pretty uneducated. As he got bigger new things came about. One of them being that I didn't think that I needed to hold him all the time to get him to go to sleep or take naps. Set him on a schedule. He needs structure. I was pro"self soothing" though I had no clue that that was what it was called. Only by the grace of G-d did he turn out okay. I lucked out. I had the textbook child. Most of the books say that you let them cry until they fall asleep. At first it will take a long time but after a few days it will gradually get less and less. Well I did that, and by golly it worked!! Three days later, I never had to rock him to sleep again. (even as I write this it turns my stomach and tears come to my eyes) I was "lucky". I know now that that is not the norm. Did he turn out okay? Of course he did. He still goes to sleep on his own when we ask though lately he snuggles with Ryan on our bed and then goes to his bed. I now have another child, my beautiful, round, spirited and long winded girl Tori Olivia. She needs loving all of the time. I am her mother. It is my responsiblity. It is right up there par with oh I don't know...feeding her and clothing her. If I put her down when she is sleepy she lets me know that she doesn't like that. In fact it is for more than just when she is sleepy. Right now she gets mad when I leave her line of vision or if she thinks that I am not there. Most of my friends have seen it in action. If I decided to "self soothe" with her, she would have laryngitis(spelled without spell check thank you very much!) before she would even remotely be pacified. There is a good explanation for this. SHE NEEDS ME! There is a part of her make up that tells her that I make her happy. That she will feel secure when I am around. That she doesn't trust people that she doesn't know. And you know what? I am okay with that. It is a hard process though. Right now the only thing I have really left the house without her for, is to do grocery shopping and sometimes she is with me for the ride. Girls night out? She is with me. Have there been times when she has started to scream in the restaurant? Oh yeah. And do you know what I do? I pay for my meal and go home. That is just part of life. She needs me to be able to anticipate her needs where she is not able to voice them. If I ignore them she will be defeated. She won't have a voice. She will just be a really big crying accessory. And who knows the long term ramifications of these actions. If I don't look after her now, will she look to someone else as she get older? Will she give up on all things hard in her life? I don't even want to walk on that path. I don't want that to even be a possibility in her life. I want to establish a bond and a hope in her that keeps us together. A hope for good things in her life. If I am going to pray for her to walk a godly womans lifestyle shouldn't I already be teaching her by loving her completely? I think so. Now that being said, I don't hold my children when their crying with the thought process of "I'll do this to shut you up" but with the thought process of "what are you needing?" If that need is just to be loved and held by a parent that is reason enough. I say that but in all honesty it is easier said than done. Sometimes I wish I could have time to myself. To not have to take a bath at midnight just for a chance to read a real book. Sometimes I wish I could have my whole house clean at the same time instead of two thirds of it done and the other third a demo site but if I have to choose between the happiness of my child and our relationship, to a clean house, I choose the child. I know that a house is a house. My child needs me.
No child is the same. No lifestyle is the same. Some children like the structure from a small age. I make no judgement calls on any one. I just feel like I am able to point out the flaws in this mind set because I have been there. I have also found that the people who are for this concept are one of two things, childless or selfish. Here is my final thought:
"If you are not willing to abandon all of your own personal time to pour into the life of your child, don't have one. The time you have with your child as he/she develops is such a short time. Don't waste it thinking only about yourself. They are not an accessory you add to your life because that is what you think comes next in life."
I think I will try to go back to sleep...I have a cramp in my hand.
